Brothers at War
by Magda the Magpie
Summary: The battle of wills between the two Holmes brothers. Through texts.


Congratulations on your promotion, brother. Are you getting paid in cake? It would explain all the weight you've gained.

 **Shove off or I'll tell mummy you blackmailed your teachers to cover your absences from school.**

You do that and I'll tell her the real reason why you didn't visit for Christmas.

 **You do that and I'll tell her why your school's lab really exploded.**

I'll tell her who dismantled her antique clock.

 **It was ticking too loudly.**

 **I'll tell her why her oven "smelled funny".**

...

Shall we call it even, then?

 **I think that would be wise.**

* * *

Get me out of here Mycroft! I can't stand it.

 **How did you procure yourself a mobile, Sherlock?**

This rehab clinic is a joke. Get me out.

 **No. It's for your own good.**

I'm dying here.

 **Don't be melodramatic. You almost died out there. I'll take my chances with the clinic.**

I hate you.

 **If that's what it takes.**

I really really really hate you.

 **Do give Nurse Lodell her phone back when you're finished.**

* * *

 **Call Mummy. She's worried about you and I cannot stave her off any longer.**

What? Too busy staving off cake?

 **Sherlock.**

Cakecroft.

* * *

 **Why is your flatmate running around naked in the streets of London screaming bloody murder?**

I did tell him not to drink the orange juice. It was an experiment.

 **What could you have possibly been experimenting on?**

The decay of LSD in contact with vitamin C. Funny, it seems to have had the opposite effect.

 **How did you get your hands on LSD?**

How did you find out about... Berny?

 **For God's sake, Sherlock. Can't you even learn your flatmate's name?**

Billy?

 **Not even close. It's Charles. Do keep up, Sherlock. The poor man was running across Piccadilly, flashing the tourists. Spotting him was hardly a feat.**

CCTV. Of course. Is it a demotion or a promotion?

 **What do you think?**

Congratulations, then. Shall I bake you a cake?

 **So you can lace it with LSD? No thank you, I'll pass.**

Cookies?

 **Shut up.**

* * *

 **Have you been using again?**

Why would you make such a fallacious and ungrounded deduction?

 **Because you haven't left that hovel of a flat for a whole week. Get some fresh air, brother mine, or I'll smoke you out.**

...

When you said you were going to smoke me out, that was just an expression, right?

 **Obviously.**

...

 **Why do you ask?**

I need a new flat.

* * *

I need access to your CCTVs on White Horse Lane. I know you have them.

 **Then call mummy.**

 **...**

There. I've sent her a text.

 **Don't be such a shmuck, Sherlock.**

Then don't be such an insufferable prick, Mycroft.

 **Shmucklock.**

Prickroft.

* * *

 **Have you been using again?**

How many times are you going to ask me that? And do you really expect me to answer in the affirmative if I was?

 **No. But I don't see another explanation for you crawling out of a manhole in the middle of Notting Hill. It's not exactly conspicuous.**

I was mapping out the sewers. Perfectly reasonable.

 **You do know there are maps readily available to the public.**

Use second-hand knowledge? That, Mycroft, is why you're not as smart as you claim.

 **I'm still smarter than you.**

* * *

 **Interesting, that new flatmate of yours.**

Don't touch him. He's mine.

 **Everyone can be bought, Sherlock. I thought you knew that by now.**

He won't. He's not like the others.

 **We'll see.**

I hate you.

 **Of course you do.**

* * *

Told you. John is mine. You, can throw money at him all you want, you can't buy him.

 **He is very loyal, very fast. I wonder why?**

Maybe he just likes me.

…

 **Thank you, brother mine. I needed the laugh.**

* * *

Why is there an oversized cake in my kitchen?

 **How should I know?**

It's cake. You seemed like the most likely suspect.

[picture attached]

 **Why are you sending me a picture of that cake?**

Testing your resolve.

 **There's a special place in Hell for people like you.**

A shame neither of us adhere to that abstract construct then.

* * *

 **I trust I have you to thank for the sabotage of my bathroom scale?**

You have no proof I did or did not do such a thing.

 **You are so childish. Prepare for retaliation.**

Why are you warning me?

 **To even the field. I am the smart one, after all.**

* * *

You're a sick bastard, Mycroft. That was low, even coming from you.

 **I'm sure I don't know what you mean, brother dear.**

Why would you get John involved? Why?

 **John is your soft spot. You shouldn't have messed with my diet.**

But now John knows everything about me. Everything!

 **She does tell the best stories. I like the one about the time your burned your eyebrows off.**

Oh, God. They exchanged numbers. I'm doomed.

 **You're being a drama queen again, Sherlock.**

You do realize that when Mummy runs out of stories about me, she'll start on you?

...

 **Dear God. What have I done?**


End file.
